Gestating The Palace of Acceptance

Today I got off the phone with a client, a follow-up conversation in which the client brought tremendous depth and awareness to her shadow body and the viscera of what it is to live that with awareness, to bring the illumination of the ethers to the denseness of earth, essentially marrying the ideal with the actual. She felt heard and affirmed and understood and I know that my reading for her provided her with much to work with and resources for the journey. And yet I came away feeling less than, that I'd not lived up to my own ideal. What was going on here I wondered as I tracked the feeling in my breath, through the rivers of my body, feeling into the areas of tightness, held places in my throat and jaw. I sensed this was my own shadow energy arising and was reminded of the Prison Waif card from my draw at the beginning of the week. My glance fell upon a shelf where some of my shadow work Tarot decks were sitting waiting to offer their guidance. Tarot of Vampyres called to me. I simply picked up part of the deck and turned over the first facedown card on the remaining pile.

Six of Scepters ~ Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

I love the suit of Scepters in this deck, there is so much energy and passion in it and this card, the Six of Scepters, was an affirming one to see in the context of my question. My eye was drawn to the panther familiar, fierce, red-eyed and full of focused energy. His whiskers stood out for me, those vibrissae that are a well-honed sensory tool allowing a feline to see in the dark and avoid predators. The vampire himself looks peaceful, complete, not wanting for anything as he holds his scepter and gazes on the results of his labors. Interstingly both he and the panther are looking towards the past, there is a sense of reflection in this card, a taking stock with a sense of accomplishment. Precisely what I was doing before I pulled the card.

The exhaustive LWB describes this as The Equilibrium of Will which is such a lovely way of painting this quality. It has all the usual keywords for this card--victory, rewards, success etc as well as a few that felt more relevant to my state, self belief, determination, inner strength, prevailing against all challengers. The shadow meanings are the inverse of the above, lack of confidence, disheartened, dissipation and so forth. The author goes on to say, The card is about supreme optimism, which increases the certainty that our goals will be reached. We feel good about our accomplishments and the Six represents spiritual will reflected from the divine, and in equilibrium with all other elements. We become the channel for this energy, which is a balance with our emotions, our intellect, our creativity and our earthy existence.

The interesting thing for me is that while intellectually I knew that my client did feel very satisfied with her reading I felt that I lacked something. On the outside all the positives of this card were brought to bear but on the inners the shadow was active. So I pulled another card.

The Empress ~ Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

This card, The Empress, was so far from what I imagined the deck might offer me. It felt like the universe was inviting me into the palace of self-acceptance with a kind of welcoming almost too much to bear. I can't help but notice my namesake being held at the solar plexus chakra of this Great Mother, the place of assimilation and self-acceptance as if she's holding space for me there.

So many phrases and keywords resonate for me...when she appears in your reading she is telling you that a period of gentle fusion and affection is needed in order for a new birth to develop. Her answer to the question asked is to find a place of calm and acceptance where we can hear the subtle harmonizing impulses and submit to the natural flow of life...

Her black dress with the white collar is such a potent depiction of the shadow body and the light body and how she embraces them both, cherishes them and wears them with beauty because both of them are necessary and true. Perhaps this is where my opening lies, that trying to transform my feelings of doubt is not what's being asked of me. What's being asked is simpler than that...notice them, allow the Great Mother within to womb them. Combined with the previous card, Six of Scepters, I begin to feel into the possibility that I'm gestating the victory of acceptance, a palace made of heart-mirrors. Gestation is such a forgiving word, it implies time for the process, wonder along the way and a gentle tending. Seeing these two cards together gave me permission to make space for the self-doubt that arose without needing to do anything with it. A quiet realizing that I am gestating something integral, as yet formed but shaped by the strength of my intention.