How Blue and Tiny and Redeemable

 

Early morning with Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

I woke wondering whether I was up for another dark deck draw or whether I needed something lighter. I've been pulling from The Victorian Fairy Tarot at night and that has been a delightful counterpart to the shadow imagery of my darker decks. After some check in I decided I could handle something a bit darker but as I shuffled the cards I could feel my body tightening. Though I'm not actively following any of the shadow work challenges around the net I'm aware of my blog friends who are courageously traveling that path and I'm also aware of the encroaching darkness. The shadow body is in the atmosphere right now. Titration is so important in this work and I'm feeling where my limits are with this theme, feeling where I need to create some boundaries, where I can flow. I decided to go ahead with the Tarot of Vampyres as I felt in need of some journeying and this deck is good for that but I will admit that I breathed a sigh of relief when I pulled my card. That outbreath tells me something important about my inner current landscape. Breath is such a natural and accessible barometer.

My son is home sick today so seeing this Grail with its lovely green heart right in the middle of the cup and its circle of green roses feels just right. All that heart chakra energy is pulling me in, swirling me around, dancing me. A day for me to draw from the loving-cup within to nourish and support him. And to look to how I draw from the Source and how I am replenished...This excerpt from Mary Oliver's poem, One, sums up how it feels for me to interact with the Ace of Cups/Grails on this particular late October day...

Ace of Grails ~ Tarot of Vampyres

And then I think of that old idea: the singular
and the eternal.
One cup, in which everything is swirled
back to the color of the sea and the sky.
Imagine it!
A shining cup, surely!
In the moment in which there is no wind
over your shoulder,
you stare down into it,
and there you are,
your own darling face, your own eyes,
And then the wind, not thinking of you, just passes by,
touching the ant, the mosquito, the leaf,
and you know what else!
How blue is the sea, how blue is the sky,
how blue and tiny and redeemable everything is, even you, 
even your eyes, even your imagination.

Gestating The Palace of Acceptance

Today I got off the phone with a client, a follow-up conversation in which the client brought tremendous depth and awareness to her shadow body and the viscera of what it is to live that with awareness, to bring the illumination of the ethers to the denseness of earth, essentially marrying the ideal with the actual. She felt heard and affirmed and understood and I know that my reading for her provided her with much to work with and resources for the journey. And yet I came away feeling less than, that I'd not lived up to my own ideal. What was going on here I wondered as I tracked the feeling in my breath, through the rivers of my body, feeling into the areas of tightness, held places in my throat and jaw. I sensed this was my own shadow energy arising and was reminded of the Prison Waif card from my draw at the beginning of the week. My glance fell upon a shelf where some of my shadow work Tarot decks were sitting waiting to offer their guidance. Tarot of Vampyres called to me. I simply picked up part of the deck and turned over the first facedown card on the remaining pile.

Six of Scepters ~ Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

I love the suit of Scepters in this deck, there is so much energy and passion in it and this card, the Six of Scepters, was an affirming one to see in the context of my question. My eye was drawn to the panther familiar, fierce, red-eyed and full of focused energy. His whiskers stood out for me, those vibrissae that are a well-honed sensory tool allowing a feline to see in the dark and avoid predators. The vampire himself looks peaceful, complete, not wanting for anything as he holds his scepter and gazes on the results of his labors. Interstingly both he and the panther are looking towards the past, there is a sense of reflection in this card, a taking stock with a sense of accomplishment. Precisely what I was doing before I pulled the card.

The exhaustive LWB describes this as The Equilibrium of Will which is such a lovely way of painting this quality. It has all the usual keywords for this card--victory, rewards, success etc as well as a few that felt more relevant to my state, self belief, determination, inner strength, prevailing against all challengers. The shadow meanings are the inverse of the above, lack of confidence, disheartened, dissipation and so forth. The author goes on to say, The card is about supreme optimism, which increases the certainty that our goals will be reached. We feel good about our accomplishments and the Six represents spiritual will reflected from the divine, and in equilibrium with all other elements. We become the channel for this energy, which is a balance with our emotions, our intellect, our creativity and our earthy existence.

The interesting thing for me is that while intellectually I knew that my client did feel very satisfied with her reading I felt that I lacked something. On the outside all the positives of this card were brought to bear but on the inners the shadow was active. So I pulled another card.

The Empress ~ Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

This card, The Empress, was so far from what I imagined the deck might offer me. It felt like the universe was inviting me into the palace of self-acceptance with a kind of welcoming almost too much to bear. I can't help but notice my namesake being held at the solar plexus chakra of this Great Mother, the place of assimilation and self-acceptance as if she's holding space for me there.

So many phrases and keywords resonate for me...when she appears in your reading she is telling you that a period of gentle fusion and affection is needed in order for a new birth to develop. Her answer to the question asked is to find a place of calm and acceptance where we can hear the subtle harmonizing impulses and submit to the natural flow of life...

Her black dress with the white collar is such a potent depiction of the shadow body and the light body and how she embraces them both, cherishes them and wears them with beauty because both of them are necessary and true. Perhaps this is where my opening lies, that trying to transform my feelings of doubt is not what's being asked of me. What's being asked is simpler than that...notice them, allow the Great Mother within to womb them. Combined with the previous card, Six of Scepters, I begin to feel into the possibility that I'm gestating the victory of acceptance, a palace made of heart-mirrors. Gestation is such a forgiving word, it implies time for the process, wonder along the way and a gentle tending. Seeing these two cards together gave me permission to make space for the self-doubt that arose without needing to do anything with it. A quiet realizing that I am gestating something integral, as yet formed but shaped by the strength of my intention.

Cultivating the Palace of the Heart

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. You know how you can just feel a kind of atmosphere pervading your own inner landscape that is full of fog, dark clouds and static energy? Practices shifted things a little, or rather shifted my attachment to a grumpy self. But walking into a kitchen full of dishes from the night before set me off again. Add to that a ds who was clamoring for a fantastic breakfast before he began his long day of schoolwork and practices, a dh who was off for a day of football-watching with his buddies and two dogs whose fur-producing abilities test the limits of my housekeeping patience and the fog and grey clouds turned to a black sky with rumblings of thunder on the horizon. Ugh.

I love my guys, am happy for dh to go off for a day with his pals as he works hard, love that my son still thrills to chocolate chip buckwheat pancakes with whipped cream and maple syrup and am devoted to my pup not to mention being aware each day of the conditions that allow us to live with abundance in a lovely home. So what gives here, why the sour, grumpus, irritated mood? I decided to turn to the cards and because the days are getting shorter, Samhain approaches and I sensed some shadow energy at work here I decided to use a dark deck. I don't have many and this one I used, Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels, is still in virtual form as I can't quite reconcile myself to some of the more gruesome images. But there is a spread in the (exhaustive!) LWB that seemed fitting for my dilemma. It's a simple two-card spread called the Dark Mirror. Card One represents the positive influences relating to the question--a doorway that can be opened. For this card one reads all the positive aspects of the card's meaning only. Card Two shows an obstacle that relates to the question and the Shadow aspect of this card is read as a way to see how this key will open the doorway. The question I asked was, 'What is fueling my unpleasant mood today and how do I work with it?'

Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

I drew the Lord of Scepters for card one, the doorway. In the RWS this would be the King of Wands. Reading only the positive aspects for this card was interesting in light of my inquiry of what is fueling my mood. Some keywords that stand out are, active and dynamic willpower, confident, vitality, expansive and so forth. The energy coming from this card is certainly dynamic and full of initiative and momentum. Both horse and rider seem to be in tune with each other and the sense of fiery motion is pronounced. The golden sky, the lightning bolts, the flames coming from the horse's nostrils all speak to the fire element. Daniels qualifies him elementally as the fire aspect of fire where I would normally qualify him as the air aspect of fire. Creativity is a theme with this King, creativity that is made manifest through leadership, daring, purpose, courage and challenges to name a few. Keeping in mind I'm reading only the positive qualities for this card. Which brings us to the next card, the Key into the first one in which I'm to read the shadow aspects.

Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

Hmm, a Major. Always cause to sit up and take notice while keeping in mind that what it represents points to more of an ongoing theme than the temporal lessons of a Minor. In this card, The Chariot, the shadow aspect speaks to a lack of progress because of obstacles (in my case inner), lack of focus, feeling trapped, ambiguity. The LWB says, When in shadow position this card urges us to create for ourselves a secure, calm, environment where we can examine, order, and plan the direction that we choose to go in. This rings viscerally true and as I read it I realized that yes, this is exactly what all my housecleaning plans are about, to create a stable home base from which to set forth. I have the fiery drive and enthusiasm of the Lord of the Scepters but I am continually getting sidetracked by my more temporal inclinations to surf the net, dream, read, knit etc, my lack of focus, the shadow aspect of the Chariot. Rather than drop into the familiar and let's face it, comfortable, voice of self-criticism I'm learning to listen to what is really asking for a voice. It's not always easy but often there is an authentic desire beneath the aversion to the task at hand particularly if it's an ongoing theme. Sometimes it's as simple as 'mom-time' other times it's more oblique and I have to dig a little. Today is a digging day.

What strikes me about both cards is the element of movement, both figures are riding a powerful animal of some kind, both in control of that animal, both riding towards the left, the past, and both are masked. In the first card the Sun figured more prominently and in this card the Moon takes center stage. The first card shows the rider with reins, in the second the reins are more metaphorical, control is implied. The bow and arrow the Charioteer is using draws my eye, the kinesthetic focus in her body is compelling. Yes, this Charioteer is a woman for me, albeit a rather muscular one. I sense that what's arising might be a feeling of fiery, want-to-get-it-done energy combined with an awareness of an obvious lack of follow through.

I'm reminded that yesterday was a rare day in which my son was away at an all-day event. My dh and I had the house to ourselves. I had planned to do another deep cleaning session of a smaller room, had a reading to do for someone, a movie that dh and I planned to watch as we don't often have time to watch things uninterrupted together like this, as well as regular calls on my attention like dog-walking and on-going house maintenance. But I got off to a slowish start, the reading took a little longer than I anticipated and I could feel my intention eroding. The computer sucked up some of my time and before I knew it lunch had passed and the deep-cleaning hadn't happened. I could feel dh wanting some time with me and in the end it felt more important that I spend quality time with him than clean.

So that's what I did, admittedly with a sense of relief at not having to scrub floors. However this morning the relief had undergone an alchemical transformation into irritation, judgement and a narrowing of heart. The Chariot as the key to the doorway of the first card implies methodically creating a secure, calm environment in which to plan/dream/vision. In this instance I look to the palace of my heart as the place to begin cultivating that atmosphere. That means questioning all that doesn't serve the good of the queendom. I can begin with letting go of past perceived failures and focusing on what's arising right now.  And here the header for my blog swims into radiant relevance...