Cultivating the Palace of the Heart

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. You know how you can just feel a kind of atmosphere pervading your own inner landscape that is full of fog, dark clouds and static energy? Practices shifted things a little, or rather shifted my attachment to a grumpy self. But walking into a kitchen full of dishes from the night before set me off again. Add to that a ds who was clamoring for a fantastic breakfast before he began his long day of schoolwork and practices, a dh who was off for a day of football-watching with his buddies and two dogs whose fur-producing abilities test the limits of my housekeeping patience and the fog and grey clouds turned to a black sky with rumblings of thunder on the horizon. Ugh.

I love my guys, am happy for dh to go off for a day with his pals as he works hard, love that my son still thrills to chocolate chip buckwheat pancakes with whipped cream and maple syrup and am devoted to my pup not to mention being aware each day of the conditions that allow us to live with abundance in a lovely home. So what gives here, why the sour, grumpus, irritated mood? I decided to turn to the cards and because the days are getting shorter, Samhain approaches and I sensed some shadow energy at work here I decided to use a dark deck. I don't have many and this one I used, Tarot of the Vampyres by Ian Daniels, is still in virtual form as I can't quite reconcile myself to some of the more gruesome images. But there is a spread in the (exhaustive!) LWB that seemed fitting for my dilemma. It's a simple two-card spread called the Dark Mirror. Card One represents the positive influences relating to the question--a doorway that can be opened. For this card one reads all the positive aspects of the card's meaning only. Card Two shows an obstacle that relates to the question and the Shadow aspect of this card is read as a way to see how this key will open the doorway. The question I asked was, 'What is fueling my unpleasant mood today and how do I work with it?'

Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

I drew the Lord of Scepters for card one, the doorway. In the RWS this would be the King of Wands. Reading only the positive aspects for this card was interesting in light of my inquiry of what is fueling my mood. Some keywords that stand out are, active and dynamic willpower, confident, vitality, expansive and so forth. The energy coming from this card is certainly dynamic and full of initiative and momentum. Both horse and rider seem to be in tune with each other and the sense of fiery motion is pronounced. The golden sky, the lightning bolts, the flames coming from the horse's nostrils all speak to the fire element. Daniels qualifies him elementally as the fire aspect of fire where I would normally qualify him as the air aspect of fire. Creativity is a theme with this King, creativity that is made manifest through leadership, daring, purpose, courage and challenges to name a few. Keeping in mind I'm reading only the positive qualities for this card. Which brings us to the next card, the Key into the first one in which I'm to read the shadow aspects.

Tarot of Vampyres ~ Ian Daniels

Hmm, a Major. Always cause to sit up and take notice while keeping in mind that what it represents points to more of an ongoing theme than the temporal lessons of a Minor. In this card, The Chariot, the shadow aspect speaks to a lack of progress because of obstacles (in my case inner), lack of focus, feeling trapped, ambiguity. The LWB says, When in shadow position this card urges us to create for ourselves a secure, calm, environment where we can examine, order, and plan the direction that we choose to go in. This rings viscerally true and as I read it I realized that yes, this is exactly what all my housecleaning plans are about, to create a stable home base from which to set forth. I have the fiery drive and enthusiasm of the Lord of the Scepters but I am continually getting sidetracked by my more temporal inclinations to surf the net, dream, read, knit etc, my lack of focus, the shadow aspect of the Chariot. Rather than drop into the familiar and let's face it, comfortable, voice of self-criticism I'm learning to listen to what is really asking for a voice. It's not always easy but often there is an authentic desire beneath the aversion to the task at hand particularly if it's an ongoing theme. Sometimes it's as simple as 'mom-time' other times it's more oblique and I have to dig a little. Today is a digging day.

What strikes me about both cards is the element of movement, both figures are riding a powerful animal of some kind, both in control of that animal, both riding towards the left, the past, and both are masked. In the first card the Sun figured more prominently and in this card the Moon takes center stage. The first card shows the rider with reins, in the second the reins are more metaphorical, control is implied. The bow and arrow the Charioteer is using draws my eye, the kinesthetic focus in her body is compelling. Yes, this Charioteer is a woman for me, albeit a rather muscular one. I sense that what's arising might be a feeling of fiery, want-to-get-it-done energy combined with an awareness of an obvious lack of follow through.

I'm reminded that yesterday was a rare day in which my son was away at an all-day event. My dh and I had the house to ourselves. I had planned to do another deep cleaning session of a smaller room, had a reading to do for someone, a movie that dh and I planned to watch as we don't often have time to watch things uninterrupted together like this, as well as regular calls on my attention like dog-walking and on-going house maintenance. But I got off to a slowish start, the reading took a little longer than I anticipated and I could feel my intention eroding. The computer sucked up some of my time and before I knew it lunch had passed and the deep-cleaning hadn't happened. I could feel dh wanting some time with me and in the end it felt more important that I spend quality time with him than clean.

So that's what I did, admittedly with a sense of relief at not having to scrub floors. However this morning the relief had undergone an alchemical transformation into irritation, judgement and a narrowing of heart. The Chariot as the key to the doorway of the first card implies methodically creating a secure, calm environment in which to plan/dream/vision. In this instance I look to the palace of my heart as the place to begin cultivating that atmosphere. That means questioning all that doesn't serve the good of the queendom. I can begin with letting go of past perceived failures and focusing on what's arising right now.  And here the header for my blog swims into radiant relevance...